welcome to a little internet diary
july 27, 2021 4:39pm
i feel like i'm not allowed to openly discuss my negative feelings anymore. it feels like i don't deserve to and i'm terrified that i will ruin what was so precariously preserved not that long ago. i feel guilt about everything now. so i guess i'll write on this website... then it's your choice whether you look at it or not. i doubt anyone's going to read this, so i'm not concerned. this is the only place i have left, besides the notebook in my desk. i find this method more desirable though. i can complain about having nowhere to drop off these feelings, but i brought it upon myself. it would be cool to have one of those accounts where people pair aesthetic pictures with writing that doubles as a vent or journal, but i'm too embarrassed to do that. and like i said, i can no longer freely discuss how i feel in the space i created solely for that reason. i want to get away from eyes. i think there's also something satisfying about using html, which i've admittedly never done before. i submitted to gentle.earth twice today, but i sort of wanted to keep the thoughts, so that's what inspired this in a way.
july 28, 2021 11:52pm
today was good, i think. i didnt cry from guilt yesterday. when i dont feel overwhelming guilt, i even feel guilt from that because i think that i deserve to be feeling guilt and if im not, im not getting the punishment i deserve. but i dont think im going to cry today either. do i deserve this reprieve? im not sure anymore. i can be feeling happiness and destroy it by thinking "remember what you did. remember the hurt you caused." and then i dont know what to feel or how to react. but i think today was good and i hope tomorrow is good as well. i hope things are healing. not necessarily with me, but with the people i interact with and how i interact with them. im not quite convinced of the idea that i deserve healing yet. but things werent so bad. i had good conversations with good people that made me feel full and like maybe i wasnt so isolated after all. the feeling will probably disappear very soon and very suddenly, like it always does. but for now, i'll enjoy it
write more soon...